When I was standing there waiting for the gong to sound I was thinking harder than I have ever thought before. I realized if leave before the gong sounds I will most likely die and if I leave after the gong sounds I could be killed my one of the people near me. One thing I thought was I have to leave at the right time, not too early not too late. I felt as if I was a sprinter and I was waiting for the starter’s gun to start. As I waited and waited this was the longest moment of my life, as I looked around I could see the ocean in the distance, and could smell the salt water. I had such I tight grip on the token in my hand which was the small tractor. My grip was so hard a wheel snapped of and I could feel the sweat in my palms. In a quick second I heard the gong and I started to sweat and panic.
All I thought was that I need to find a base or shelter where I can stay and defend myself from my enemies. As I ran sweat poured down my arms and my body felt like a fast flowing river. As I ran and ran I came across a green and brown monster tree and I decided I could stay here and access a nearby river for food and water. Once I staked a camp, I looked at the bluish gray sky and saw a small puffy looking cloud and it looked like a tractor, this just reminded me of home.
well…your post seemed to lack a lot of descriptive information about the setting so next time try to include more details. Also, you did not proofread this because there are many spelling, punctuation errors, and sentences that don’t make much sense. I’m not trying to be mean, but there is not much good things about it. Anyways, good figurative language used in the second paragraph.
I think that you could have used a lot more sensory details like what you saw and felt. Also, there were a couple of typos such as saying “my” instead of “by.” These are things that can easily be revised if it is read over. I thought that your attention getter was good and made me want to keep reading.
I agree there were grammatical errors and did not have a lot of sensory detail. However there was good figurative language like when you said “As I ran sweat poured down my arms and my body felt like a fast flowing river” I thought that really showed what you were feeling. Overall it was good but just adding those few things would make it better.