When I was camping out next to a big rough tree the size of a skyscraper I heard a loud scream full of weakness. Then a cannon sounded, resembling the death of the first victim of the 80th Hunger Games. As the night lingered longer and the ominous shadow of the moon crept into my view I heard the sound of the cannons shaking the ground three more times. As the grayish dull moon crept across the sky I saw the names of those who had been killed through the day. Three of the four had not registered in my mind and I could not ever recall meeting them. But something I did remember he was next to me during the reaping and was crying like a lost puppy when being called. I quickly looked at the screen and thought how lucky I was to be alive, although I have only stayed here next to this tree forever. Since the gong sounded I ran right to this tree and have been lying here curled up like a newborn baby. I couldn’t stop thinking about home, for some reason this tree has seemed like my only home.
As I thought of home I fell into a deep sleep, I don’t know how I could fall asleep on a night like this and was woken by the boom of a thunderous cannon. The fact that I had slept disappointed me so much and I doubted how I could live if all I did was sleep. I had slept while other cried, died and escaped death. As soon as I realized where I was and what I was doing I saw a young man looking at me and I grabbed for my bow to kill him and I staggered backwards. He told me to calm down and he had wanted me to form an alliance with him. I agreed since he was from district 10 and was also poor and didn’t have much, just like me. So we walked off into the light and I felt my heart pounding harder than ever.
I think that your sensory details were amazing and you had great figurative language. You had great description such as calling the cannon boom “thunderous” instead of just saying that the cannon went off. You had a couple of grammar mistakes/sentences that didn’t make sense such as “But something I did remember he was next to me during the reaping and was crying like a lost puppy when being called.” Those mistakes could be easily fixed if it was read over. Great job Joe!
I loved all your figurative language used in your post today! There was much more used than before, so great improvement! However, this one sentence, But something I did remember he was next to me during the reaping and was crying like a lost puppy when being called, was a little confusing because you were talking about a person, so you should have replaced something with someone. Other than that, good job!
I thought it was much better this time. You used very good sensory detail and figurative language. I liked the part where you said the ominous shadows. I thought it was a major improvement from last time. There were still some grammar mistakes that made the sentences not make sense. But overall good job!